And now it's time for Bum Reviews, with Chester A. Bum...
Tonight's Review: Samurai Jack Season 5 Episode 1
"OH MY GOD THIS IS THE GREATEST EPISODE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!!"
"Gotta get back. Back to the SPOILERS!!"
"There's this guy, named Samurai Jack, and he's been stuck in the future for 50 YEARS!!"
"And the reason he hasn't aged a bit is because this other guy named--" *sneeze*
"Oh, bless me. Didn't expect that, sorry. Let me say that again."
" And the reason he hasn't aged a bit is because this other guy named after the sound you make when you sneeze made him unable to grow older after sending him through time!"
"BECAUSE SAMURAI JACK TRIED TO KILL HIM ALL THE WAY BACK IN THE FIRST SEASON!"
"Man, it's been years since we last saw this show, huh?"
"There's also this cult who follow the sneeze demon, and their leader immediately gives birth to THE DAUGHTERS OF ACHOO!"
"SEVEN BADASS WARRIOR GIRLS WHO ARE TRAINED IN MARTIAL ARTS AND BEING PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSED LITTLE CHILDREN!!"
"But one of them is actually really nice and likes all cute things from the outside world."
"What's her name again?"
"Oh yeah! BUBBLES!!"
*Someone out there says 'FUCKING BUBBLES'*
"Seriously, who keeps saying that??"
"But meanwhile, Samurai Jack has forgotten that he was a samurai and now rides around like a character from the Mad Max movies!"
"Seriously, he's got the armor, the weird mask, the use of other people's weapons and not even bothering to talk to people he rescues, gets haunted by visions of his past..."
"BUT IT'S STILL COOL!"
"But Mad Max Jack is also being haunted by this creeeepy samurai warrior shadow on a shadowy horse!"
"And I'm like:"
"'With all that green smoke, that must be one stinky horse.'"
"I wasn't as high as I usually was at that point so I couldn't come up with a more creative joke."
"But later Samurai Max goes into this destroyed village and encounters SCATMAN ROBOT SPONGEBOOOB!"
"And he's like:"
"'I am Scatman Robot Spongebob, and I have been waiting for you to get here!'"
"'So you destroyed this village and killed everybody here to get me here?'"
"'No, I destroyed this village and killed everybody a long time ago. I've just been waiting for you here since you were finally passing by.'"
"'Seriously, took you long enough to come back, don't you think?'"
"'I lost my sword, sue me.'"
"'Lost your sword?? Oooh! Better tell this to Achoo! Lemme just get my cellphone!'"
"'Wait, so you're lecturing me about taking a while to get here but you're using clearly out of date technology in a futuristic hellscape?'"
"'Eh, point. Wanna do the awesome fight scene now?'"
"So now Jack and Scatman Robot Spongebob are fighting each other in the ruins!"
"Scatman Robot Spongebob uses music to bring rock monsters to life!"
"And Jack beats them by crushing them with better rocks!"
"Hah! Suck on that, paper!"
"But then Scatman Robot Spongebob sings a magic song to send a sword constantly flying and swinging at Jack!"
"And to make things worse, he's got this tuning dagger that makes things explode after a few seconds just by scraping them!"
"I had a tuning dagger that made things explode once!"
"I was then given a cease and desist by Disney."
"So then Jack ends up winning by using the tuning dagger against Scatman Robot Spongebob, and cuts him in half with the magic floating sword, making him explode and send his head flying with a sad expression on his face."
"We'll never forget you, Scatman Robot Spongebob."
"And so as Jack moves on, the Daughters of Achoo finally finish their training and head off to search and destroy him!"
"So this was a REALLY REALLY great start to a new season of Samurai Jack!"
"But if I had anything to nitpick, I would believe it to be this:"
"WHEN ARE WE GONNA MAKE OUR OWN TIME PORTALS TO STOP PEOPLE FROM AGING??"
"IT'S CLEAR THAT AGE DOESN'T DO ANYBODY FAVORS APPARENTLY! JUST LOOK AT JACK!"
"He's got a beard, a long mane, never socializes with people anymore, wears heavy armor, steals other people's stuff, gets weird acid trips on occasion, kills scatman samurai spongebobs..."
"Oh wait, that's me when I'm trying to hide from the police."
"This is Chester A. Bum saying, CHAAAAAAAANGE! YOU GOT CHANGE?? OH COME ON, HELP A GUY OUT, WILL YA!? C'MON, CHANGE!!"
"AT LEAST GIVE ME ENOUGH FOR A PIZZA!"
"For some reason I'm craving extra thick crust."